Lessons Learned

My husband and I got married on December 20, 2003 and immediately started trying to start our family.  I immediately started tracking my cycle and realized that a 42-day cycle was anything but normal.  So, I went to see my OB/GYN who put me on Clomid.  The first month I took it, it didn't work.  Nothing changed.  So, the next month he increased my dosage....not only did it work, but I got pregnant!  We went in for our 8-week appointment and saw the heartbeat....and then we proceeded to tell anyone with ears that we were expecting in February of 2004.  We were very excited to hear the heartbeat when we went for our 13-week appointment.....I laid there and listened and watched the doctor's face grow more and more concerned.  He couldn't find a heartbeat.  My heart broke right then and there.  He sent us for an emergency ultrasound to confirm what he suspected - our baby had stopped developing at around 8.5 weeks.  My body never figured it out so I had to have a D&C.  I learned the hard way what a "missed miscarriage" was.  This killed me.   It really messed me up.  A lot.  For a long time. 

We immediately tried the Clomid again.  No luck - I ovulated but never got pregnant.  We tried several cycles, had all of the horrible tests performed to see why we weren't having any luck.  I had the laproscopic procedure done to see if I had Endometriosis - and ended up with a punctured Colon (but still no Endometriosis and no answers).  I was eventually diagnosed with PCOS and referred to a Fertility Specialist.  We tried several rounds of injectables and IUIs and one IVF with this doctor.  He then told us that our chances of conceiving together were "very slim".  He said that there were problems with my husband's DNA fragmentation and that combined with my PCOS would make it almost impossible.  He suggested we try a sperm donor (which we did) or adoption. 

I grew up with two adopted sisters.  My mom was told she couldn't conceive so my parents adopted my sisters....and then I magically appeared!  So, my whole life I never knew what it was like to have a biological sibling....or a sibling that looked at all like me.  Because of this, I never wanted to adopt.  It sounds so shallow now but it is what it is - I wanted kids that shared their DNA. 

I finally accepted that adoption was the only way we could become parents and started investigating.  A co-worker of mine had recently adopted a little boy from Russia....so I started asking her tons of questions.  So many people have asked me why we chose international adoption.  There are a couple of reasons....I did not want to do an open adoption - I had no desire to have a "relationship" with my child's birth parents.  I didn't want to live in fear that they would change their minds at the last minute - I couldn't take any more heartbreak.  I also knew that domestic adoptions can take years - I wanted my baby yesterday.  People have also asked why we chose Russia.  I wanted a caucasian child.  Not for the reason you may think....I wanted our child to "match" us....because I thought if people saw us with a child of a different race they would think, "SHE must not be able to have kids".  Sounds silly now....but at the time, my infertility was embarassing to me.  I didn't realize how many people go through it and I was totally ashamed of it for some reason.  I felt that God put me on this planet to be a mom and I failed.

So, we proceeded with a very long, paperwork-filled adoption application process.  In October, 2006 we got the news that a little boy was available....but there was a "catch"....he was born with heart disease and had had open heart surgery at 5 months of age in Moscow.  We decided to proceed and let a US doctor review his information....so they sent the information - along with a picture of this little guy:

and we were done.  Check, please!  Sign us up - he's so meant to be with us!  We brought Brady home 2 months later when he was 10 months old!  Ironically, the day we landed in the US was actually the 35th anniversary of the day my parents brought my oldest sister home! 

So, we were thrilled.  I could finally be around pregnant people and babies again without feeling sick.  Life was good. 

But, Brady "needed" a sibling....so, we decided to get a second opinion from a different fertility specialist.  On March 1, 2007 I met with a new doctor who basically thought my previous doctor was a little crazy for telling us that we wouldn't be able to conceive.  He suggested we give IVF another shot.  So, we did.  It was a terrible cycle....the doctor almost cancelled it but he went ahead with the retrieval and I was devastated to hear that he was only able to retrieve 7 eggs.  You see, our first IVF cycle yielded 14 eggs - only two of which were "good"....I'm an accountant - I ran those stats very quickly in my head and didn't like the results.  I cried all the way home.  I felt that we had wasted a ton of time and money for nothing.  The next day the lab called and said only one of the eggs was worth keeping - they wanted to implant it the next day.  When we did our first cycle, 2 eggs were implanted and neither took.  So, I didn't expect much with only one but my doctor assured me, "it only takes one." 

Well, he was right and on May 7, 2007 I found out I was pregnant with this little guy:

Having lost a baby before, I was totally paranoid the entire pregnancy but everything went really well and Zachary James was born on 1/7/2008!  We chose his name because it means "God remembers" which I think is totally fitting.  We asked God for a biological child but he wanted us to have our Brady....but he remembered what we asked for and blessed us with this little monkey!

One would think I would be content at this point.  But, I secretly wanted just one more!  I didn't pray about it, didn't talk about it...just secretly hoped that we would somehow be a family of 5 at some point. 

When Zachary was 7 months old, I started feeling a little nauseous.  After two days of this, I took an old pregnancy test I found in the bathroom.  I was still nursing Zachary so there was no cycle to miss...besides, people with PCOS don't ovulate on their own anyway....so in hindsight, I don't know why I even took the test.  But, I did.  And it was positive!  Shock doesn't even begin to describe what we were feeling!  On March 31, 2009 we welcomed sweet Easton Nathaniel (we chose Nathaniel because it means "Gift from God") to our crazy family:

Easton was 8 pounds, 14 ounces when he was born.  He was born hungry...sucking on his little fingers.  He nursed like a champ when he was in the recovery room with me.  I remember the nurse being so impressed that he nursed for 45 minutes straight.  But then he wouldn't eat.  I asked every doctor and nurse I saw why he wasn't eating and they told me that "all babies are different" and not to compare him to Zachary.  So, they sent us home with a very lethargic baby who wouldn't eat.

Two days later, Easton started throwing up what looked like blood (turned out to be bile).  We took him to the local children's hospital "campus" who then transported him downtown to the main campus.  After about 9 hours of inconclusive, grueling tests the doctors recommended exploratory surgery to see if they could figure out what was going on.  There was a suspected "blockage" that they needed to investigate.  It turns out, his intestines were twisted 360 degrees.  He was within 6 hours of death.  6 hours.  Death.  What???  He had intestinal malrotation and volvulus.  Luckily, they saved him.  He should be fine.  He's growing like a weed and is the love of my life. 

So, clearly I've learned some lessons with all that we've been through.  I'll be the first one to admit that I'm a control freak.  I plan everything.  I worry about everything.  But, I've learned that my plan means nothing.  God's plan is all that matters.  If things had worked out the way I had planned, I wouldn't have Brady.  Or for that matter, I wouldn't have any of my boys. 

Things really sucked for me/us for a while there.  That miscarriage really messed me up.  Infertility really messed me up.  But, I had to go through that to get HERE.  I like it here.  I love my little guys - they just happen to be the coolest little people on this planet (in my opinion!)  I try to explain that to people that are going through the 'life sucks' period.  When a guy has broken up with them or they can't find a guy or whatever it is.  God didn't put us on this planet to be miserable.  They're not being punished - they're being taught.  He's teaching us lessons.  When you're going through the "learning" period, you'll have a hard time accepting that.  But that's what's happening.  He's right.  His timing is right and sometimes the lessons are really, REALLY hard.  They suck.  But it does get better. 

I also think that God has a sense of humor.  I think He sits up there and looks down at those of us that think we're in control and just laughs.  I thought that what I was going through was the worst thing ever at the time.  I thought it couldn't get any worse than that.  It so could have.  I see that now...but I didn't then.  Hindsight is amazing.  I get it now.  I wish that no one ever had to go through the sucky times....but I'm not in control of that.  There is a plan for everything - it's not our job to plan it all, though.  We're just here for the ride.  Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it's amazing.  You just have to hang on and keep the faith!!!